Ninja Weasle & the Blanket of Infinite Doom

Since The Blanket had sent the better part of the night(the better part being the X-Files Marathon on satelite) seaching for Ninja, well, it can be safely said that thier reunion in the university library was not of the standard of Heathrow, but more of the calibre of Jerry Springer.
"What the hell do you think your doing?" The Blanket yelled, well, as much as he every really yelled. It was far more like his normal voice, just higher pitched."I've been looking for you everywhere!!"
"Always the last place you look." Ninja chuckled, not helping the problem.
"Yes, because I didn't think you even knew the university had a library."
"Of course I do!!" Nija stuck his chin out in an indignant gesture which made him look like a furry shrimp trawler.
"Then why do you call it the 'big thing' whenever you see it?" The Blanket gestured wildly, trying to encompass a three story building from within with his own two arms.
Ninja flitted his eyes around the room as though he would find an answer on the cibracrome walls. "Economy of words?"
"Library is one word. Big thing is two." The Blanket frowned a little deeper, giving him creases you know he'd have to iron out later.
"Syllables then?"
The Blanket blinked. "Syllable? Did you just use the word syllable?"
"Uh huh." Ninja gave a small head nod.
The Blanket had had quite enough. Not only had he missed that hot red head talking about science, but he had a newly beaned bean bag, a semi-expensive red wine and small eclaire waiting at home bought especially for this night. Needless to say, when such plans were destroyed, anger most understanbly insues. "For god's sake you complete ninny, what are you doing here at 10 at night in a friday?!?!?!"
Ninja shrunk back into his swizel chair. "I'm studying."
"Your studying?" The Blanket said it slowly, like he was a a Narnian fawn trying to say 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocious'.
"Uh huh." Ninja swizeled back to the screen sheepishly.
"Why?"
"Well... I have this new tutor... and..."
The Blanket snorted deriseivly. "What, is she cute or something?"
Ninja went stiff and began to type like his life depended in letters per second.
"She is, isn't she!! What are you, Tommy Lee?"
"Listen, she just asked me if I needed help in class yesterday, and I said yes. And everything she said kind of stuck with me."
"Rules out her having big breasts I suppose." The Blanket was rapidly losing steam for his train of angry thought. He slumped down into an uncomfortably grey and cheap office chair.
"I gotta go print this out... give me a minute." Ninja ran off to the printers, leaving a deflated Blanket to contemplate the wonders of Teevo and as to when his parents would come around to his way of thinking. He only hoped his mother had not eaten his eclaire. Her increase in appitite latly had gone from obvious to obscene.
IT was just then, as he mused upon his mother's appetite issue, that he recieved a tap on his shoulder. He could tell by the smell of Old Spice and lycra that it was the Beaver of Incredible Terror and Key Lime Pie, secret identity of Mr Bartholemu Norris, The Blanket's body building statistic's tutor.
"How's it hanging dude?" Norris sat down across from The Blanket, short shorts hikeing up so they were more like an Addidas speedo.
The Blanket stared absently at Norris. "I missed The X-Files marathon because doofus brain's genitals learn better than he does."
Norris nodded. "So... no as well as they could be hanging." He laughed an overtly manly laugh and slapped The Blanket on the arm, a slap which felt more a a swipe from a bear, and sent The Blanket hard into the desktop.
"Not really." The Blanket weezed. "Plus, my mother has decended into some kind of downward spiral into some kind anti-christ."
"She giving you issues man?" He said it in a tone which sounded like he knew from first hand experience, which he prabably did because he was 40 years old and living in his mother's condo on the sofa. Divorce had not been fair to Norris.
"Indeed. Constantly eating, crying, yelling, its like PMS has taken up a full time shift to pay its bills on time."
Norris chuckled. "Bro, its harsh, but thats what pregnant chicks do."
The Blanket believed his entire respiratory system stopped right then. "Pregnant?"
"Oh yeah. When the missus got knocked up it was all she ever did. This one time..."
Although The Blanket usually let Norris drown him in bitter nostalgia tonight was not the night for such human kindness. "I gotta go, Mr Norris. Thanks for the chat, say goodbye to Ninja for me." They both turned to watch Ninja slaping the print machine yelling something about a printer mismatch.
"No probs dude."
The Blanket sailed down the stairs to the parking lot, hoping he was home in time beofre his mother went to bed. Or that he at least caught her night-time snack break. Because he had something to say about this pregnant thing.
He wanted to put in an order for a brother.

"I'm going to kill him..."
"Ninja, please..."
"I'm going to take his scrawny little neck and snap it like a cheese doodle..."
"That's not very nice, I'm sure you can work it out..."
"Then I'm going to hack his head off and stuff brie down the hole!"
The Blanket finally turned from Ninja and stomped back to the counter. "You forgot his sweet and sour sauce."
The scrawny red headed kid with the employee of the month badge make an eek sound and scampered off like a rat with the runs.. coming back with three sweet and sour sauces, two ketchups and an employ time card...
The Blanket looked at the pile Employee of the Month dumped on the counter, then back at the boy. He was shaking and his pupils were blown out like a racoon at a red neck camping trip. "Thank you." The Blanket said it in that slow voice that police men use in the movies when thier telling the bank robber that their putting their gun down.
The boy flinched and ran to duck behind the frozen coke machine. The Blanket gave him a raised eyebrow and turned away. To be honest, The Blanket didn't quite see how Ninja inspired such terror. Sure, he was covered in dried mud from the toe of his converse all stars to the tips of his ears. And he had a blood nose stuffed with blue sea shell embossed toilet paper, and a huge black eye that had swelled to the size of a rhino's hemarroid. And then there was the fact that he was wearing a pink bathrobe with daisies on it... All together The Blanket supposed that Ninja had a certain air to him that could illict a disdainful, curious or shocked resonse... And his mood wasn't helping that possibility. He was in a state of constant glare; so much so that if you listened very closly you could hear his eyes sizzling in their sockets.
The Blanket handed Ninja the sauces and the time card. "Happy? You got your sauce and a nifty time card thing... And I think Fanta Pants over there will be in therapy from now until he finishes puperty." The Blanket flicked a look at the boy, who was trembling so much that, for what was probably the first time in his career, he was actually doing a good job of salting and shaking the fries. "Which will probably be a long long time..."
Ninja looked at the time card. "Little snot gets too many hours." Then he took his little paper baggie of food and stomped out the door.
The Blanket started to shuffle out after him when a hand laid itself gently on his shoulder, stopping him with an almost curteous pressure. The Blanket's shoulder's slumped a little. "Louis... I'm not talking to you right now."
"Pardon my treatment of my brother, mon ami. But you will notice that I did not harm you in any way, mon itchy brother."
The Blanket sighed. "I know... but you hit him with bucket, Louis."
"Oui.Ow is this so bad, mon thermal chatte?"
"It had rocks in it!"
"Oui. But he had a soft place to land. No?"
"Yes, but it was a mud pit."
"He was lucky!!"
The Blanket frowned. "It was a very convienent mud pit..."
Louise shrugged like it was a dance move. "Such is the luckl of the brazve."
"Ninja? Brave?"
Louise gave him the River duh face. "Non, I was reffering to myself, mon 1000 thread count compardre..."
The Blanket took a deep breath. "Enough with the pet names, Louis, I feel like your girlfriend..."
Louis shrugged again. "Very well. Please do not be so unreasonable about our little altercation, however... I had ample provocation."
The Blanket had to agree there. Ninja had hid on the roof of Louis' hotel and thrown water bombs full of garlic sauce at him. Followed by a bucket of Parmasean cheese... and anchovies.
"I guess..." The Blanket said, being that he was still a loyal 'sidekick', even if Ninja was a fault.
Louis gave him a look. "Mon... er.. Blanket... you are a beautifully loyal linen item. But you must realize that my brother is, how you say? A nitwit?"
It was all that The Blanket could do to not nod frantically. Then he was struck by a sudden surge of attitude. "Ok, now listen. He may be selfish, and he may never clean his sock or pay for his own meals. He smells funny and chases anythign i9n a skirt and he throws latex missiles embued with condiments at his realitives. But he is my friend. And you took it too far Louis. I used to reserve some sympathy for you. But your just a big mean french man with a funny hat!" Louis recoiled back like a male ballerina. A gay one. "The war is on, mon smelly fake fench rodent!"
And with that he flounced out the door as only a true blanket can.

The weekend found our hero's (?) sitting on the couch in their Y fronts, drinking beer and eating cold, two day old pizza, watching I Love Lucy re-runs on Ninja's uncle's pay TV. Uncle Ally knew all about the despair of being stood up by someone you never met... He'd ordered seven mail-order wives over the years and none had ever turned up. This had helped Ally develop a healthy dislike for Russia and the US postal service. But an unhealthy love of Heiniken and artery hardening foodstuffs...
It was right before the best bit in their ninth episode of Lucy, that Ninja's phone went off...
And the dynamic(?) duo were dressed and out of the house before the credits rolled... Because they had gotten a tip off. A tip off that Louis was back... And that just would not do.
Louis was not his real name. His real name was Marty. He had left the States one fine day for a summer abroard in France. School exchange, sounds harmless. But within a month Marty had taken to eating unpronouncable cheeses on even harder to pronounce breads, being snippy, talking with an accent, testing Nuclear weapons in tropical oceans, wearing a beret, changed his name to Louis and drank wine at 4 in the afternoon...
But most shoking of all was that he intended to beat Ninja at taking over the world.
His name was The Incorrigable Weasle of Ultimate Supremacy.
And he was Ninja's brother.

They found Louis, sprawled lazily in a chair in an arty coffee shop called Le Pertentieux Consommateur. He was wearing that same beret with which he had once slapped Ninja and declared the battle for world domination truely ON.
Ninja walked straight up to him and tipped his latte in this lap.
Louis slowly looked down at his lap... "I see... brother, have we not matured past this by now?" He dabbed his browned, soggy, cream coloured dress slacks with a three ply napkin.
The Blanket could nearly see steam coming off Ninja's head...
"Go home, Marty..." He said through gritted teeth.
Louis flicked a hand Ninja's way... "Listen to my rasberry sounds... pthttttt."
"Now who's being immature...!!!!!!!" Ninja gestured with a stiff finger at his brother.
Louis sighed and turned in his seat to face Ninja. "Brother... please do not gesticulate in that manner, it is very rude..." He looked Ninja up and down, ignored the clenched jaw and clenched hairy fists, and said, "Oh, brother, why do you insist on dressing like such an American... chinos and a singlet!Mon chatte, they invented style for a reason...!!!!!"
The Blanket saw something ferrel and reckless creep into Ninja's eye... something he'd only seen once before after a soft ball competion when Dave Spernsburg had called Ninja a ferret... or, more precisely, the Ferret of Infinte Stench...
The Blanket stepped in between the brothers, facing Ninja. "Maybe I should do a little talking now...ok? Maybe you should go get some carbohyrates? Huh?" Ninja pouted for a moment then made a humph sound and slouched off to the McDonald's on the other side of the street.
The Blanket let out a releived sigh and turned to Louis. "Hey Louis..."
Luis smiled and stood, taking The Blanket's face between his hands. "Mon Ami!!!!!" He planted a wet kiss on both of The BLanket's cheeks.
The Blanket strained a smile out. "Nice to see you too."
Louis gestured widely at his table. "Pease, take a seat, have a croissant! Fattening, but you only live once...No?"
The Blanket sat and picked up a pastry. He nibbled the end. then He looked at Louis, who was beaming like a child who'd won 1st prize int the science fair. The Blanket sighed. "Louis, not that it isn't great to see you..." Louis' face fell. "And it really is... you look..." The Blanket searched about a bit, "Very urbane...?"
Louis smiled hautily. "Its the moustache... it lends me a little...lagniappe."
"Ok, I can't explain how much I don't want to know what that means." The Blanket put down the pastry.
Louis gave him a sidelong eye roll, complete with eyebrow and slight head shake. "Pauve ti bete!"
"Or that either..." The Blanket leaned forward. "Louis, can't you aggravate Ninja from the other side of the really big wet thing known as the ocean??"
Louis leant back and sprawled languously, stubbornly and pompously in his chair, all similtainiously. "Non. I enjoy doing it mano-e-mano, oui? Also... the distance... pah! Seeing his tiny little Capitalist eyes while I, how you say, aggravate him... it increases my joie de vivre."
Sheer horror spread across The Blanket's face. He'd only taken one semester of French and what he'd got off that last phrase was not for polite company...
Louise looked down his nose with a condescending and tired air. "Joy of living, mon ami. Joie de vivre, joy of living...Ah!" He threw up a hairy hand and spoke rapidly in French, none of it intelligable to The Blanket and none of it sounding very positive...
The Blanket frowned. "Okaaaaay.... Anyway, Louis, can you please go home? He'll pop a blood vessle in his head if you stay!"
Louis threw his nose up and made an Adonis pose. "Then he will pop, no? I have as much righ to be here as he does! Duel citizenship, oui?"
The Blanket turned to watch Ninja sitting on a park bench across the street stabbing his burger with a straw. The Blanket sighed. "Ok, fine. But would you mind telling me what your here for? Other than to make my life hell?"
Louis chuckled. "Mon ami, you are how they say, a hoot!" He raised his new cup of latte and made swirly gesture. "I am here to take over the world, no?"
The Blanket sighed again. "Oh shit."
"Non, mon ami... Merde. Not shit, Merde. Oui?"
The Blanke glared at Louis. "Merci a bunch."
Louis shrugged as only the French can.
"Can't you just take over France?" The Blanket made one last ditched effort.
Louise made a crazily shocked face. "Who would want France?"

Ninja waited outside the WalMart for three hours. He was wearing jeans and a white wife beater... hoping against hope to look Ryan-from-the-OC-cool...while maintaining an I-will-take-over-the-world flair. An hour in it had started to get cold. Two hours in it was raining like only Noah had known, and Derrik, the WalMart assisstant manager, had told him to stop loitering in the doorway. So he was standing in the parking lot, looking less like a Fascist bad-boy and more like a rat that went through the washing machine on the spin cycle.
After the third hour, and the fifth old lady trying to give him donations, he walked home. It poured all the way up to his door... at which point the rain evaporated with a karmic 'up yours' in his direction. Ninja planted his head hard against the front door and started to diligently bang it with his forehead. "Argerageraga!" He said. "Why???"
The next head bang missed and he pulled his head up short of The Blanket... who was looking slicked up with styling gel in his threads and black dress pants... with the cuffs roled up. Ninja frowned. "Where are you off to?"
The Blanket ducked his head with a grin Ninja knew only too well...
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Yelled Ninja, much in the tradition of Darth Vader finding out the missus had croaked... "Take a look at me, dude, I'm wet, I'm cold, I have five dollars in change from scary old people who thought I was homeless, and, oh, yeah, NO 90 POUND COCKTAIL WAITRESSS!!!!!!"
The Blanket gave Ninja a symathetic, 'poor you' look. "I'm so sorry... I wish it had worked out for you. But mine will... we are perfect for each other...." The Blanket jumped off the porch and started to skip away down the footpath.
Ninja grabbed his own hair and pulled desperately. "Banket, don't go... You know nothing about her!!! She'll leave you alone and dripping with despair."
The Blanket didn't look back. He just said over his shoulder, "I know everything about her... She's doing a B in mass communications and she's putting herself through uni waitressing... And she'll be wearing the orange sweater..."
Ninja closed the door quietly and returned to beating his head against it in time to The Blankets last five infamous words, "With The Clowns On It."

"You can NOT fall in love over the internet."
"Yes, you can. She is perfect, and my soulmate, and you're ruining a beautiful moment here!!!!!"
The Ninja Weasel was standing by his PC, which boasted the 'Cupid Has A Sense Of Humor' chat site. He was standing with the air of Napoleon on the far side of the Waterloo plain. Basically, a little desperate and a lot in denile... And The Blanket was an Englishman doing the Dance of Joy as the French troops were frantically deciding which road would get them gone quicker.
"Nerg..." Said The Blanket. "Come on, for all you know she could be a 400lb single mother of seven, who works as a telemarketer from her loungroom because she can't get out of her house for the Subway wrappers..."
"SHUT UP! I've seen her profile! She is a 90 pound cocktail waitress from Boston. She's at uni doing mass communication." He threw his nose up into the air.
"Um hm, right..." The Blanket said, hoping that it was the extreme lateness that was making Ninja declare undying affection for someone he'd IM'd for a week... "And your going to meet her outside WalMart on a saturday... and she'll be wearing the orange sweater? With the clowns on it?"
Ninja made a stony face... "I find it cute..."
"How cute will it be when you find she has a .32 strapped to her ankel and a mortage?"
Ninja turned The Blanket around forcefully and pushed him out the door. Theyw ere both staying at Ninja's house while his parents were in Tahoe visiting his grandma.
It was about 3am and Ninja had been talking to this woman, LadyKryptonite, since four in the afternoon. He was intending to get a few hours sleep and then meet her in town at the local WalMart.
The Blanket, after valiantly trying for sevral extra minutes to talk him out of it through the closed door, left the cyber lover to get his beauty sleep.
The Blanket heard him leave, a few hours later... and the smell of $5 aftershave spreading thickly through the whole house. The Blanket wondered mildly if, in the name of science.. he should test his theory... that you can't fall in love via the internet... by trying to fall in love over the interent himself?
So.. with trepidition, and an excitement known only to the likes of Einstein and Pavlov, The Blanket opened up a browser and started to get himself registered... On Cupid Has A Sense Of Humour.com

Will Ninja find his true love a fair maiden? Or Ms Shrek?
Will The Blanket prove or dissprove his hypothesis?
Tune in next time...
To Days Of Our Lives!
Oh, wait... sorry...
Tune in to: Ninja Weasle and the Blanket of Infinite Doom!